Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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