Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
