make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
