i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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