All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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