Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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