Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
