Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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