Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
