Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
