Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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