Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
