I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
