You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
