There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
