I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
