I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
A bitchslap is in order.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
