I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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