I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
