did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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