Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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