I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
