Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
