i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm just crazy horny about you
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
