So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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