my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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