and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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