I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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