I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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