I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So here I am, sexting at work.
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