I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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