I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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