Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
love makes seman taste better
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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