You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
