Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
