I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
