my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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