Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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