I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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