hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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