I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
