fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
