The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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