There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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