The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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