Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
