you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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