tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
