this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
