My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
