after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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