he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
