I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I AM VODKA MAN
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
