how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
