I puked a lego.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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