Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
