one word: firstdatebathroomanal
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm bleeding and have questions
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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